Transforming a One-Way Conversation With Love
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Co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory
When Conversations Feel One-Sided
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where the other person seems interested in talking about everything except you? They share their stories, describe their experiences, and talk at length about their lives, yet rarely ask a question or show much curiosity about yours. You listen, respond, and try to stay engaged, but eventually begin wondering whether the conversation will ever become a two-way exchange.
I recently found myself in this situation repeatedly during a Zoom event. Afterward, I complained to my wife that I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep smiling, showing interest in other people's stories, and coming up with follow-up questions when no one seemed particularly interested in hearing mine.
As a professional listener, I've spent much of my life learning how to ask thoughtful questions and take a genuine interest in what others have to say. I can do that in social situations, too. But even with years of experience, it can be frustrating to leave a gathering feeling that no real connection occurred. I'm not looking for deep personal revelations at a party. Just a little genuine give and take.
What People Are Really Seeking
After allowing myself some time to be frustrated, I began thinking more seriously about why people sometimes dominate conversations. As I reflected on the experience, I remembered a question posed by one of my favorite graduate school professors, a question I've quoted many times over the years:
“How many people do you know who have enough love in their lives that they can afford to treat any of it as dessert rather than main course?”
That question has stayed with me because it changes how I think about people who seem to need more than their share of attention. What looks like self-absorption may sometimes reflect a deeper longing to be noticed, acknowledged, and valued.
People who seem “full of themselves” or who appear to enjoy hearing themselves talk may sometimes be seeking an intensified version of something we all need: to be seen, heard, understood, and appreciated. The Who captured that longing memorably in their rock opera Tommy.
Attention, acknowledgment, and validation are important parts of human connection. When people feel genuinely cared for, they experience a sense of belonging and significance that can be difficult to find elsewhere. And sometimes, what appears to be a need to dominate a conversation may be an attempt to satisfy that longing.
Listening Without Expecting Something Back
Of course, I'm human, too. I want attention, acknowledgment, and validation just as much as anyone else. I enjoy being listened to, and I like believing that what I have to say matters. But I've also been fortunate to experience enough love in my own life that, at times, I can offer those things to others without expecting anything in return.
Those moments seem to come more frequently as I grow older. When they do, I find myself fully engaged with the person in front of me. I'm not planning what I'll say next or waiting for an opportunity to redirect the conversation toward myself. Instead, I'm listening, acknowledging their experience, encouraging them to continue, and asking questions because I genuinely want to understand.
The Unexpected Rewards of Genuine Connection
Something remarkable happens when I can check my ego at the door and genuinely open my heart, ears, and eyes to the person in front of me. Rather than focusing on what I want from the conversation, I become more interested in understanding and appreciating the other person. In those moments, connection becomes possible in ways I might otherwise have missed.
The key word is “genuinely.” This isn't a technique for getting people to like us or a strategy for influencing their behavior. It's a way of approaching another person with openness, curiosity, and care. Sometimes new relationships develop, people respond warmly, or unexpected opportunities emerge. Those are welcome benefits, but they are not the reason for listening. They are the dessert, not the main course.
Offering genuine interest and validation to another person enriches my own life as well. Giving someone the gift of being heard doesn't diminish what I have to offer. In many ways, it expands it.
Of course, genuine listening doesn't mean ignoring our own needs or remaining indefinitely in conversations that leave us feeling drained. Healthy relationships still require mutual interest and respect. But when we have the emotional capacity to offer someone our undivided attention, doing so can become an expression of generosity rather than an obligation.
The next time you find yourself in a conversation that feels frustratingly one-sided, try approaching the other person with genuine curiosity rather than irritation. You may discover that what they need most in that moment is simply to feel heard. And you might be surprised by what the experience gives back to you.
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About Dr. Gary M. Jordan, Ph.D.
Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 35 years of experience in clinical psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley. He is co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory, a revolutionary psychological assessment system that teaches people how to unleash their deepest potentials for success. He’s a partner at Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover their true skills and talents.
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