The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do to Create Real Change
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Co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory
Have you ever understood exactly what you needed to change in your life, yet found yourself unable to make that change? You could recognize the patterns holding you back, understand where they came from, and even know what you wanted to do differently. But somehow, that understanding wasn't enough.
Change has fascinated me throughout my career as a psychologist. When I was younger, I believed I had a clear picture of what psychological health should look like and the techniques needed to help people achieve it. The trouble was, people didn't always change in the ways I expected. Over time, I began to recognize something far more important: meaningful positive change often begins not with becoming someone different, but with understanding and accepting who we already are.
Why Self-Acceptance Matters in Personal Change
In fact, the people whose lives improved most dramatically really weren't changing, in the way I had been led to think about change. They were letting go of layers of conditioning about who they had been told they should be.
For some people, the pressure to live up to an unrealistic image of who they believe they should be can contribute to anxiety, diminished self-esteem, relationship difficulties, and dissatisfaction with their careers or personal lives. In my work, I often saw how exhausting it could be to continually measure oneself against expectations that did not reflect a person's natural abilities, preferences, or way of experiencing the world. Recognizing that disconnect could be an important turning point.
Why Self-Awareness Alone Isn't Enough
Even with this new understanding of change, I sometimes struggled to help people move from insight to action. Many of the clients I worked with could readily recognize the skills and behaviors that came most naturally to them. They could also identify experiences and relationships that had shaped their beliefs about who they were supposed to be. Yet even with a clear understanding of where those expectations came from, letting go of them could be surprisingly difficult. Knowing the difference between who we naturally are and who we believe we should be does not automatically free us from the expectations we have carried for years.
To put it another way: even when a person gains a clear picture of who they are, how they naturally see the world, and where their innate skills and abilities lie, they often still struggle to claim, use, and celebrate these abilities.
We often assume that once we understand a problem, change will naturally follow. We gather information, seek advice, and work to identify the experiences and beliefs that shaped us. Yet insight does not automatically translate into different choices or behaviors. In my experience as a psychologist and coach, self-awareness is an essential beginning, but it is not always enough. We also need to give ourselves permission to act on what we have discovered about who we are.
Giving Yourself Permission to Use Your Natural Strengths
Much of my work as a coach has involved helping people recognize the difference between who they naturally are and who they have come to believe they must be. Together, we explore the skills and abilities that come naturally to them, as well as those they have developed through experience, effort, and necessity.
But discovering our natural strengths is only part of the process. We must also give ourselves permission to value those strengths, develop them, and use them more fully in our lives. That permission can be difficult when we have spent years trying to meet expectations that do not fit who we are.
Sometimes the most meaningful change does not come from trying harder to become someone different. It begins when we give ourselves permission to become more fully who we already are.
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About Dr. Gary M. Jordan, Ph.D.
Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 35 years of experience in clinical psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley. He is co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory, a revolutionary psychological assessment system that teaches people how to unleash their deepest potentials for success. He’s a partner at Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover their true skills and talents.
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