The If/Then Double Lie
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Co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory
On the first page of our book, Unlock the Power of Your Perception, Lynda-Ross and I point out that people rarely seek self-awareness simply for its own sake. More often, they begin searching because something in their lives is not working the way they want or expect. They feel frustrated, dissatisfied, or convinced that something about themselves needs to change.
We often assume that the source of our frustration is some personal shortcoming. If we can identify that shortcoming and correct it, we believe the happiness, success, or fulfillment we have been seeking will finally become ours. But what if the problem is not that we have failed to improve ourselves? What if the promise that self-improvement will deliver lasting happiness is itself fundamentally flawed?
The Promise of Self-Improvement
Whatever shortcoming we believe we have, the self-help aisle seems to offer a solution. Books promise to help us become better versions of ourselves, discover the secrets of success, realize our leadership potential, find inner peace, organize our lives, and achieve lasting happiness. Each offers a method, process, or formula that supposedly holds the key to what we have been missing.
Like many of you, I receive a daily email that offers popular books at discounted prices in e-reader format. Almost every day, there is an offer for self-improvement, whether in business, spirituality, or personal habits. Periodically, in the popular press, a new book appears on the scene that “takes America by storm” and becomes the latest solution to “solve your life”.
Despite all the available help, many people continue to feel that something is wrong with them. When a self-help book or program fails to deliver what it promises, we rarely question the promise itself. Instead, we often blame ourselves. Perhaps we didn't try hard enough, didn't follow the program correctly, or simply failed to understand it. Sometimes we abandon one approach in favor of another that seems more promising, only to repeat the same cycle of expectation and disappointment.
The Hidden Hurt Behind Self-Improvement
So, what drives our obsession with self-help and self-improvement? I believe there is a two-part answer to that question. The first half of the answer was stated beautifully by Father Richard Rohr in his September 22, 2019, meditation, The Suffering of God, published by the Center for Action and Contemplation: “Almost all people are carrying a great and secret hurt, even when they don’t know it.”
This has been my experience too. The self-help and self-improvement industry markets itself by promising a way to “fix” this hurt, either overtly or covertly. Where this secret hurt comes from is a whole article (or book) on its own, but it is most cogently expressed in four deeply held beliefs: “I’m not loveable”, “I’m not interesting”, “I’m not worthy”, and “I’m not enough.”
The If/Then Double Lie
The second half of the answer, and the reason we are susceptible to each new self-help promise, is that we believe that we can fix the hurt by “improving” some part of ourselves. We want to believe that if we can just get organized, lose weight, discover our true selves, or realize our potential, then we will be happy, content, and fulfilled. Unfortunately, this is an if/then proposition that does not work.
I call this the “if/then double lie” because both parts of the promise are misleading. The first is the belief that changing or improving some part of ourselves will necessarily produce the emotional outcome we seek. The second is the expectation that happiness, contentment, or fulfillment can become permanent states of being. Even when we accomplish the “if,” the promised “then” may never arrive. And the deeper hurt that motivated our search may remain untouched.
When the if/then fails to deliver, we do not reject the if/then proposition nor question our desire for what the “then” promises. We often assume that we failed to fulfill the conditions of the “if” or decide that the conditions were faulty. Rather than question the “then” goal we have been unable to accomplish, we look for another “if” solution that the next self-help guru promises will deliver.
The problem with the “if” is that achieving it does not necessarily produce the promised “then.” The emotional outcome we seek may not be realistic as a permanent goal, and accomplishing something externally cannot automatically resolve the deeper hurt that motivated our search. For example, if lasting happiness is your goal, you may worry about losing it whenever you feel happy. And when happiness fades, as it naturally does, you may interpret that change as a personal failure.
Happiness Is an Experience, Not a Permanent State
Happiness, joy, fulfillment, and contentment are not permanent destinations we can reach and remain in indefinitely. Like sadness, disappointment, frustration, and discontent, they are part of the full range of human experience. Yet rather than accepting that range, we often resist what we judge to be negative and search for ways to eliminate it. This leads us back to the familiar if/then promise: If I can just figure out why I feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, or discontent, then I will finally be happy, joyful, fulfilled, and content. But no amount of self-improvement can remove the natural ups and downs of being human.
How Perceptual Style Theory Offers a Different Approach
This brings us full circle back to Perceptual Style Theory. You may be wondering: Isn’t understanding your Perceptual Style and unlocking the power of your perception just another “if” promising you an unattainable “then”? What makes Lynda-Ross and me any different from other self-help gurus?
There are two fundamental differences in what we teach. First, Perceptual Style Theory holds that your Perceptual Style is inherent and unchangeable. It is not a flaw to correct or a limitation that makes you less acceptable. It is part of who you naturally are. Second, we recognize that everyone has limitations. Certain skills and behaviors fall naturally within your repertoire, while others require substantially more effort. Understanding these differences is not about becoming someone else. It is about recognizing your strengths, accepting your limitations, and making more intentional choices about how you live and work.
We reject the idea that “there is nothing you can't do if you just put your mind to it.” Your Perceptual Style provides a rich range of natural strengths and abilities, many of which you may spend a lifetime developing. At the same time, some skills and behaviors will never come naturally to you. You may be able to perform them, but doing so can require considerable effort and carry psychological, emotional, or physical costs. Recognizing these differences is not an admission of failure. It is part of understanding who you are.
So, yes, we believe that accepting your Perceptual Style and developing the skills that fall within your natural strengths can lead to greater fulfillment and joy. But we also recognize that self-acceptance requires acknowledging limitations, including the frustration that comes with realizing you cannot do everything. We do not offer Perceptual Style Theory as a cure for pain or as a promise that life's difficulties will disappear. Instead, we offer it as a framework for understanding and accepting yourself, an important part of personal growth and healing.
We invite you to focus on what you naturally do well. Seek opportunities to use those strengths more often, and discover new ways to bring them into your relationships, your work, and your everyday life. Accept that you cannot do everything, and recognize that you do not need to. Most importantly, we invite you to celebrate who you are, right now, rather than waiting to become someone you believe you should be.
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About Dr. Gary M. Jordan, Ph.D.
Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 35 years of experience in clinical psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley. He is co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory, a revolutionary psychological assessment system that teaches people how to unleash their deepest potentials for success. He’s a partner at Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover their true skills and talents.
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