To Listen or Not To Listen……..That’s the Question
-to-listen-or-not-to-listen-thats-the-question-400.jpg)
Have you ever offered someone advice or help, only to realize they weren't really listening? Sometimes people hear our words but interpret them through assumptions they've already made. And sometimes, no matter how clearly we explain ourselves, the message simply doesn't get through.
I know better than to try coaching someone in the middle of an everyday conversation. But when an irresistible opportunity presented itself during a recent car-buying experience, I couldn't help myself—even though I suspected how things would turn out.
When Assumptions Get in the Way of Listening
My wife and I were in the process of buying her new car, and the salesman was literally young enough to be my son. The difference in our ages was 36 years. Before the test drive, he established that my wife wanted dark grey, but I really liked the deep blue. During the conversation, he asked how long my wife and I had been together. When I told him 36 years, he exclaimed, “Wow, I can’t stay with a woman for even 36 hours!”
Unbeknownst to the young man, my wife had admitted to me that the deep blue was very pretty, and as we finished the test drive, I asked him if they had one in that color.
“I thought she didn’t like the blue,” he said.
“She changed her mind,” I replied.
“Ah, you convinced her to change her mind,” he said.
A Conversation That Went Nowhere
Here was my opening, a chance to point out to him one of the reasons why he can’t stay with a woman for even 36 hours. Not my place, I know, but I dove in anyway.
“No, after 36 years you learn that you never try to convince, you discover what they want and then you help them make it happen.”
“Ah, subtle but patient manipulation,” he countered.
“No, you help them make it happen. You can offer options for them to consider, tell them what you think, but the decision is theirs,” I said with genuine sincerity.
“I see. You wear them down over time,” he said walking back toward the building.
Listening Means Understanding, Not Assuming
Sometimes you get moments of grace when a connection with another human being feels brilliant. Sometimes you get a lot less than that. This was one of those. I chuckled, shook my head, and thought, “What a great example of someone who will have a hard time with any relationship until he learns how to listen.” I’m guessing that his sales success will also suffer.
The bottom line is that our salesman seemed to have already decided what I meant before I finished explaining myself. He wasn't listening to understand my perspective; he was interpreting everything I said through his own assumptions. Not a particularly effective approach to sales—or relationships.
When we listen through the filter of what we expect someone to say, we can miss what they're actually telling us. Genuine listening requires curiosity, a willingness to question our assumptions, and enough patience to understand another person's point of view before responding.
One of the important insights of Perceptual Style Theory is that people naturally perceive and interpret the world differently. Understanding these differences can help us recognize when our own assumptions are shaping what we hear. It also reminds us that effective communication begins with curiosity about another person's perspective rather than certainty about our own.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone who wasn't really listening? How did it affect the conversation—or your relationship with that person?
I'd enjoy hearing your experiences. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Interested in understanding how differences in perception influence communication? Explore our Perceptual Style Assessment and discover more about the ways you naturally perceive and respond to the world.
© Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., All Rights Reserved
About Dr. Gary M. Jordan, Ph.D.
Gary M. Jordan, Ph.D., has over 35 years of experience in clinical psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology in Berkeley. He is co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory and a partner at Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., where he helps individuals and organizations recognize natural strengths, improve communication, and develop their potential.
Additional information about Dr. Jordan
