Keep the “Celebrate” in Celebration!
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Celebration, recognition, transitions, ritual. If you are like us, the next couple of weeks are filled with milestone occasions. For Gary and his wife Sarah, it's the celebration of her mom's 90th birthday. For Ricardo and me, it's the high school graduation of our oldest grandson.
Family celebrations have such potential for joy, but they also have equal potential for a lot of stress.
Why Family Celebrations Can Be Stressful
Part of the stress comes from differing expectations. The meaning and experience of high school graduation are very different for our grandson, his parents, and grandparents.
The same is true of the meaning of a 90th birthday for Gary's mother-in-law, her children, and grandchildren. They are all the main players of the events, each with different expectations and personal reasons for celebration.
Mix in some extended family and friends and you've got the makings of a spicy gumbo or a fallen soufflé.
We believe there are two keys to keeping the joy in celebrations, not just for celebrations, but for everyday life. They may sound like common sense to you, and they are, but they are also grounded in the reality that there isn't a single experience for everyone.
That's an important idea in Perceptual Style Theory™. People naturally notice, interpret, and respond to experiences differently. Even when we participate in the same event, what feels meaningful or important to one person may be quite different for another.
Plan the Celebration, Then Let It Unfold
Create your plan, include contingencies where possible, put the plan in place, and then enjoy the experience.
Get the invitations out, have the food ready, the decorations up, the music playing, then sit back and let it flow.
There's bound to be a surprise or two, some ruffled feathers here or there. You can avoid some predictable disasters (never invite Jessica Fletcher or Hercule Poirot for obvious reasons), but you can't control it all.
The key is to recognize the difference between preparing for a celebration and trying to control every moment of it.
A thoughtful plan helps create the conditions for a wonderful gathering. But once everyone arrives, each person brings their own expectations, emotions, and ways of participating.
Prepare for what you can, remain flexible about what you can't, and give yourself permission to enjoy the celebration you've worked so hard to create.
Share Memories Without Correcting Each Other
Memories are for sharing.
Reminiscing is a standard at every milestone gathering. It's one of the ways we human beings create and nurture community.
But we remember different aspects of shared experiences. Think about the standard dilemma for any cop show detective trying to gather information from witnesses. Or consider the fact that you and your sibling were both on the same road trip with your parents when you were eight, but everyone remembers a different aspect of the trip.
It really isn't important to correct each other simply because we remember different details. People may notice and remember different aspects of the same experience.
Reminiscing is a lot more fun and stress-free when you build the fabric of a memory together, each person contributing threads to the story.
(Okay, the regular social rules about not sharing really embarrassing moments for someone else still apply!)
When we become curious about another person's recollection instead of insisting that our version is the only correct one, we may discover something about the experience that we never noticed ourselves.
Understanding that people experience the world differently can help us approach family conversations with more patience, curiosity, and appreciation.
Keeping the Joy in Family Celebrations
Whether you're celebrating a birthday, graduation, anniversary, or another important milestone, the goal isn't to create an experience that everyone remembers in exactly the same way.
It's to create an opportunity for people to come together, celebrate what matters, and contribute their own unique experiences to the occasion.
The more we recognize and respect those differences, the easier it becomes to enjoy the moments we're sharing instead of worrying about whether everyone is experiencing them exactly as we intended.
We hope your upcoming celebrations are enjoyed by all and create the kind of memories you'll share for years to come. That's what we plan for ours.
Happy Graduation, Dylan! Happy Birthday, Fern!
What have you learned about managing different expectations during family celebrations? Do members of your family remember the same occasions differently? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Interested in understanding why people experience the same events differently? Discover how Perceptual Style Theory™ helps explain differences in perception, communication, and relationships.
© Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., All Rights Reserved
About Lynda-Ross Vega
Lynda-Ross Vega is a partner at Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd. She specializes in helping corporate leaders, entrepreneurs, and individuals with interpersonal communications, team dynamics, personal development, and navigating change. Lynda-Ross is co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory™, a behavioral framework and assessment system that helps people recognize their natural strengths and apply them to their personal and professional lives.
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