The Pursuit of Presence: Letting Go of the Happiness Trap Understanding
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In a post from January 2022, I explored a common reaction to life not going as we want, think it should, or expect it to: the belief that something is inherently wrong with the world or with ourselves.
We live in a culture constantly bombarded by messages through commercials, marketing, and entertainment, all suggesting that we should be happy and trouble-free all the time.
These messages perpetuate the idea that if we’re unhappy, there’s a solution through some program, product, action, spiritual practice, or change of personal habits. This is the foundation of what I call the “if/then double lie.”
“If I get organized, lose weight, discover my true self, earn enough money, buy the right car, drink the right beer, marry the perfect spouse, or have perfect children, then I will be happy, content, and fulfilled, and all my problems will be solved.”
I call this the “if/then double lie” because both halves of the equation are false. Many of the “ifs” we set up are not attainable, and even when they are, the promised “then” – usually some version of happiness – is fleeting at best.
Happiness fades, leaving us wondering what went wrong, why we didn’t figure it out once and for all… again!
You Can’t Cure Life, You Can Only Live It
This approach to life is doomed to failure because, as one of my graduate school professors poignantly said, “You can’t cure life. You can’t even treat it.” Life is not about being perpetually happy; it’s about being present in the experience of being alive.
We’ve been misled into believing that happiness is a goal to be achieved rather than one aspect of the human experience, alongside joy, fulfillment, contentment, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and discontent. These emotions ebb and flow.
Our inability to be fully present with our experiences creates suffering. Life offers us moments of joy, but it also brings pain. We cannot diminish our ability to experience the painful parts of life without also diminishing our ability to experience joy.
Presence Over Happiness
This viewpoint is something I encounter every day with my clients in both my clinical and consulting practices. They arrive believing that the key to happiness is eluding them, and they want help finding it. They’re stuck in the suffering that comes from trying to avoid the fullness of life’s experiences.
The deep-seated belief that happiness is the goal supports an approach to life where everything is judged as good or bad, positive or negative, based on whether it contributes to reaching that elusive goal.
Over and over, I hear some variation of, “I’m getting closer,” usually followed by an “if/then” – “If I can just [fill in the blank], then I’ll be there.”
But where is this elusive “there”? It’s the mythical land of perpetual happiness.
“So, are you telling me that I have to give up my drive and ambition?” one client challenged as we explored her belief that promotions and more money were the keys to “getting there.” My answer was, “No, if you want to become someone who can attract and earn a million dollars, fantastic. But it won’t give you the forever happiness you expect it to.”
Embracing Life as It Is
One way to describe the goal of the therapeutic process is to accept life as it comes rather than demanding it conform to your expectations.
When we open ourselves to the reality of life, rather than clinging to our expectations and demands, the pain and joy remain, but we lose the suffering that comes from trying to avoid pain or hold on to joy.
Fully feeling both the pain and joy of our lives without judgment is what I call presence.
A Personal Story of Presence
For the past ten years, I’ve met quarterly with a group of other therapists. Over time, we’ve become very close, sharing many life events together. At our most recent gathering, we found that most of us were going through difficult experiences.
The usual exuberance of the group was tempered by stories of a difficult labor and birth, painful recovery from surgery, loss of a potential relationship, and the emotional devastation of a stage-four cancer diagnosis.
As I listened to each story, I was struck by how we all struggled to find the right words to offer comfort and hope, to lessen the pain, and to make it all better.
As we talked, listened, and processed, we began to realize that there were no such words. There was nothing to say or do that would lessen the pain we each felt, both for ourselves and for what others were going through.
What we did have to give each other was our presence: the ability to be with one another and sit with the individual and collective pain as fully as possible, without judgment or attempts to diminish it.
Embrace Presence in Your Life
Are you tired of chasing the elusive goal of perpetual happiness?
It’s time to embrace the fullness of life, both its joys and pains, by being truly present.
If you're ready to explore this transformative perspective, I invite you to reach out. Let's work together to break free from the “if/then” trap and discover the power of presence in your life.
Please share your thoughts on this topic in the comment section below.
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About Dr. Gary M. Jordan, Ph.D.
Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 35 years of experience in clinical psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley. He is co-creator of Perceptual Style Theory, a revolutionary psychological assessment system that teaches people how to unleash their deepest potentials for success. He’s a partner at Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover their true skills and talents.
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